I have been sitting here staring at the blank text box thinking "Do I dare be honest?" While I don't think this blog is read by that many people or at all on a regular basis. I think I actually read it more then anyone else. Basically this blog has become my journal. I find it easier to type the words out then to try writing them.

I wish I knew what was up with my life. Even though I never had big plans in my life my life has been pretty organized (even that could be laughable) But recently my life is so turned upside down and around and pushed forward and backwards that I don't know which way is up, down or where I should be looking.

I'm not a visionary..... sure I have some dreams and ideas for the future but I don't see the big picture. I don't dream big....That's why I like working for dreamers.... However it overwhelms me because when I am around big dreamers I feel insecure and my foundation shaken. I like foundation. I like consistency. I like having organization to an extent. Still I am not someone who needs to have EVERYTHING always the same and organized because that to would drive me nuts. I do like some change but I think I prefer it in small doses or much preparation. But I still like to work with the big dreamers. Every leader I have had since I left home in the last 10 years have been Big Dreamers. It shakes my core and unnerves me but God keeps putting me with them.

Recently however I have had an overwhelming desire to not be apart of big dreams. But to do simple.... Get a job, find a home, go to school, just give money and some time here and there. I know, I know, for you who are doing that, it's not that simple and it wouldn't be for me either. But I like the thought behind it of consistency.

Planting roots for me is difficult. But when I do end up planting those roots, I plant them deep. Which makes it hard to plant in the next place.

Sometimes I wish I could just get a monthly plan from God. I don't need to know my whole plan but if He could give me a monthly calendar before each month save me many questions. Shoot I would even be happy for a week. I'm flexible I can handle that.