Something Beautiful Has Been Lost.

This is something I have been mulling around in my brain for a while.

Our american culture has lost something beautiful. We have lost the ability to be community, to be neighbors, to be friends.

I come from a family that holds on to the old traditions a little more then other families. We are a farming family. We tend to be a little bit more slower paced and simpler then other folk. History is very important to us.  In fact the house I grew up was built when Lincoln was president. It's been in the family for YEARS. My Grandmother grew up in it, my great Grandfather grew up in it. etc. Awesome heritage to be apart of, let me tell you.

So being that our family has been here for a while,  it's a farming family and there are others like us in the area, I have noticed something. The older lady who lived down the road, should could tell stories about my grandmother. The guy who lived the other direction, that was "Neighbor Ed". He and his wife were great neighbors. There was a sense of community. A sense of "if you ran out of sugar or an egg short you could call them up and 'borrow' it."

We have LOST our ability to be like that. We don't know our neighbors. We don't even know the people around us. If it's not posted on facebook we don't know what's happening. We are moving to fast to wave to the neighbors as you pass by. Anyone even sit on their porches anymore? We have big screen tvs to entertain us. We have the smallest devices to take with us so we don't miss anything. But we do! We are missing community. I saw two friends get together to have coffee together and what did they do? They both sat there with their phones and scanned facebook.

I want to go back to the old days where people will take a walk down the road to visit their friend for tea! I want to go back to the old days where you knew your neighbors. Is that to hard to ask. I am guilty of it to. I can't remember the name of the couple who lives below me. I do know their kids names. I know a few other people... But I don't KNOW them. It's time to build neighborhoods that lookout for each other. Communities that share.

We are missing out, friends. We are missing a chance to live. We are too fast and to busy that we are missing the point of life. We are missing out on that community. We are missing out on the chance to be neighbors. We have to be intentional. We have to make a point to be friendly. To not ignore the people around us.

It's a challenge to you and to me. Don't forget what is important. it's not about what you do or what you drive or how much your worth. It's about the people those that you are around.  It's worth your time to invest in people!

It's Been a While.

Due to my 5 Min Power nap I am now wide awake. Curse the power nap right before bedtime!

I've had a lot of interesting changes happen recently.

First major one. I decided not to go back to Thailand long term. I am planning a short trip (I have to get my stuff that I left). But I felt God was closing that door. I don't know why or what is planned now but I am at peace with it.

Second... I got a full time job. As much as I wish at times it wasn't this I am working at a daycare. It never seems to end. I have been raised and breed to work with Children. Sometimes I feel like it's the easy fall back. But I don't take this job lightly. Sure I get to play with toys and I paint butts for a living (We use Q-tips to apply creams to sensitive bottoms) But God has put me here for such a time as this. Every time I hold a child in my arms I have the unique opportunity to pray over them. To pray that they would grow to become Godly men and women. That if they do not know of him now that they will meet those people in their future who will tell them and that their hearts would be open to the Spirit's prompting.

Third... I'm getting my own place.... Well an apartment with a roommate. Which for me isn't that new considering the many places I have lived and the MANY roommates I have had. However this is in Michigan and it is NOT my parents house. You have noooo idea how excited I am to be moving out of my parents and to have my own place again. To cook my own meals. Wash my clothes and dry them when ever I want and I don't have to wait for the weather to be nice! Invite people over and have young people parties without feeling guilty because I've also had to kick my parents out to do so. I am sooo excited!

I do miss the "old life" I miss the adventure that came with it. Sometimes it's easy to forget the hard times that came with it. But even though I remember them I still miss the "old days". I miss those seasons of Discipleship 24/7. I have some of that here but it's harder when you have to work around other schedules.

I miss Colorado. I especially miss my friends from there. I know many have moved on as well but you will always be there in my mind. And for the ones still there.... I may show up again. Course as to how many actually have read this blog is probably not many so it may be a surprise when I do show up even though I did give you warning on here. :-)

I have been sitting here staring at the blank text box thinking "Do I dare be honest?" While I don't think this blog is read by that many people or at all on a regular basis. I think I actually read it more then anyone else. Basically this blog has become my journal. I find it easier to type the words out then to try writing them.

I wish I knew what was up with my life. Even though I never had big plans in my life my life has been pretty organized (even that could be laughable) But recently my life is so turned upside down and around and pushed forward and backwards that I don't know which way is up, down or where I should be looking.

I'm not a visionary..... sure I have some dreams and ideas for the future but I don't see the big picture. I don't dream big....That's why I like working for dreamers.... However it overwhelms me because when I am around big dreamers I feel insecure and my foundation shaken. I like foundation. I like consistency. I like having organization to an extent. Still I am not someone who needs to have EVERYTHING always the same and organized because that to would drive me nuts. I do like some change but I think I prefer it in small doses or much preparation. But I still like to work with the big dreamers. Every leader I have had since I left home in the last 10 years have been Big Dreamers. It shakes my core and unnerves me but God keeps putting me with them.

Recently however I have had an overwhelming desire to not be apart of big dreams. But to do simple.... Get a job, find a home, go to school, just give money and some time here and there. I know, I know, for you who are doing that, it's not that simple and it wouldn't be for me either. But I like the thought behind it of consistency.

Planting roots for me is difficult. But when I do end up planting those roots, I plant them deep. Which makes it hard to plant in the next place.

Sometimes I wish I could just get a monthly plan from God. I don't need to know my whole plan but if He could give me a monthly calendar before each month save me many questions. Shoot I would even be happy for a week. I'm flexible I can handle that.

Fighting Against Status Quo

Being back in Michigan wasn't what I had in my plans. I for sure didn't see that coming. My plan was to go to Thailand and be there for a year. Come back to renew my visa and head back. I went but due to circumstances I am now back again 5 months later. It's been hard being back because I sense the questions..... Or maybe it's just me. "What? She's back? Wasn't she going to be gone longer? What happened? Could she not handle it? Did something go wrong? Is she going back? She should have just stayed. Maybe it was to rough?"

Personally I don't like where I'm at. Personally I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. How long am I going to be here? I'm broke. I have no money, no airfare back to the place I am calling home. People are involved in their lives and it's hard to work into that. My Friends are all over the world.

I ask..... God couldn't I just get a job, and apartment, Involve myself in the lives of youth around me where I can actually communicate with them. It wouldn't be easier but it would be more solidified. At least I would hope so.

I'm not stupid enough to know that it would make life easier. But after these last few years there is something so appealing about working a "normal" job. Where I can say I worked this many hours and I know I will get this much money. I desire normalcy. I desire to be steady. Try out the other side of the fence and try that grass..... I probably would be ready to be back to my life in no time because despite this desire right now. This life style I am living, well it's in my blood. I would be ready to head out again in no time.

Shoot.... I'm just rambling. I don't even know if this makes any sense. If you are reading this by some chance. I hope it doesn't confuse you. But it boils down to this. God is faithful and He always will be. No matter what He has me doing in life, I will be obedient to what I know he has me doing. I will continue to be faithful to Him because he has shown me nothing but love, protection and provision and just because He is who He says He is. And I know, that I know, that I know, that I know, that he is the one and only true God who doesn't change. He will always be the same as He was yesterday, today and tomorrow.

And that is what it boils down to.

Pushing against what seems to be walls.

I was talking to my friend today and I told her this comment: "I'm just mad at man kind right now!" Due to a circumstance of frustration (being at war with United). And my friend said something interesting to me that made total sense! She said " Charity, I feel like this, it, all of it, it's much deeper then that. Deeper then man kind."

Well I don't know about you but I had a forehead slapping moment! OF COURSE! It is much deeper then that. It's not against flesh and blood that I'm at war with. I am at war with the enemy of the King. Suddenly Months of struggles flashed before my eyes. Mostly in the financial aspect but also emotional, physical and spiritual struggles. It's been happening in all areas of my life. It's been little things here and there. Some bigger things as well.... But in the mist of it I had forgotten that my battle isn't against flesh and blood.

Sometimes I feel like that baby bird that struggled to get out of the egg.... It pushed and pecked it's way out, exhausted and free it looks up to see that it's in another egg. And then another and another and another.

I know that God never promised it would be easy. But sometimes I want to find the easy way out and try that road. Course me being oh so smart knows that that road is only going to bring worse things so I continue on this dang hard road.

I guess I just wish that I would find a jack pot with a good looking prince sitting on it next to a new home that was deeded to me by some distant relative that had payed all the bills for the rest of my life, a maid coming to daily, a garage with good reliable working vehicles and an IPhone.

Hey.... It could happen here... and it will for sure happen in the future.

Being Single

One of the things that drives me nuts being a single person is how the world views it. I went to my grandfathers mega church in Ohio where I scanned through a bulletin. On it was advertising a group for the singles in the church. It said "Single? Come join us at _____ ______" That question irked me.... To me is said " Oh your single..... I'm so sorry about that. Why don't we put you in a group of other single people in hopes that maybe you will luck out and find your soul mate.

Society looks at singleness as a disease. Like it's something wrong with you if your single. It's a thought process that has seeped into our youth and kids as well. We are matching our children with our best friends children when they are still in their cradles. The world tells us that we are not complete until we are matched with someone.

There is a status that comes with being married. Being 28 and single, I find that at times I do not receive respect that someone who is married would receive. That my God given gifts aren't good enough for something because I am not married. My choices and decisions can't be really trusted because I haven't been married and there is not a man in my life.

There are always exceptions to this rule. There are always people who recognize that you are who you are and it doesn't change because of being married or not. I love those people.

I am content being single. I have enjoyed it very much. I have been able to do things in my life because I am single that I would have never been able to do if I was married.

Yes, I hope someday to find out who that guy is who will love and cherish me. Someone that I can love and respect in return. But I am not going to base my life on it. I'm going to keep walking out the direction that God sends me in and God is going to take care of the rest. I will not treat singleness as a disease or curse but as a blessing. I am not going to shrink back from what God has for me because of my marital status. If your single enjoy it. Chances are you will have more time being married in your life then you will be single. If your married.... Congrats! I'm thrilled for you. Just remember not to treat those who are still single as they are waiting for their life to start. Their life has been going on for a while now. Look at the person and the heart and not at the marital status!

Mini Events

Usually there are many mini events that take place in a day. Today I feel like that was one of those days for me when it was one moment to the next. First of living in a foreign country I have a real sense of appreciation for the creators of communication on the internet. From Facebook, Gmail, Skype etc. They have been my connection to the people I love and cherish far away from me. It also was a opening to frustrations today.... it was more in the form of a business. United Airlines... They have me on the border of being really pissed off right now. I feel like they ripped me off of $600 and "there is nothing they can do about it" Right.. So money doesn't grow on trees for me. And I called them back as soon as I realized the mistake. And now I am being tossed to and from person. "I'm sorry there is nothing I can do about it" What happened to integrity and honest dealings? I understand that they want to make a profit but honestly if they would work with me on this problem I would be more willing to fly with them again in the future. Right now I want to tell everyone I know "DON'T FLY UNITED!"

The regular ole joe doesn't have money to dish out. I wasn't expecting to lose that much money out of my account either to United it may not be that much but to me it's a fortune!

Wow.. I feel like I went off a tangent there. But it's fresh on my mind....

Back to how awesome the people in my life are..... The people in my life are such a blessing to me and I am glad that none of you work for United!

Here I am.... living in Thailand. Sometimes I sit back and wonder, could this really be real? I look back on my life and during those times of reflection, I wonder. How is it I have lived this life?How could this small farm girl from a simple life get to where I am today? I know that there is only one way. It's been about relationship the whole time. Only relationship would get me here. But I still have a sense of awe.

I'm not superwoman. I'm not someone who has it all together. In fact to have someone tell me that I do would make me laugh. I have struggled, oh I have struggled!

It has been a journey and it's not been easy. I know that the future isn't going to be easy. But God has been faithful to me every step of the way. Sometimes I doubted. Sometimes I didn't see a way through. But He's been oh so faithful to me all the time and He's going to be faithful to me in those future struggles. He's good all the time and his nature and character will never change because that is who he is.

I will keep reminding myself of that very fact. All the time.

Testimony of Blessing

The Ward Family and I had the privilege to be apart of a testimony service. A Believer in a village called together the surrounding believers. His testimony of God’s faithfulness was inspiring and one that many of us can relate to. Maybe not the situation, but the outcome.

He’s a farmer. It’s harvest season for his cabbages. As he’s harvesting he prays. “Lord, This is your crop. Maybe I could get 5 Baht for kilo of Cabbage. ( It is about 30 Thai Baht to 1 American Dollar.) Please provide I want to testify of your faithfulness.”

He arrives to market to find out that he is not going to get 5 Baht for his Cabbages… Instead he will receive 7 Baht for his cabbages. What a blessing to his family, church and community!

So he called together everyone to testify at God’s goodness. There was song, testimony, eating and fellowship. There was a spirit of joy in that place!

As I was sitting there I got to thinking about the blessings that God has given me. So many times we have such joy because of the blessing. But soon we forget about that blessing when the next hard time comes around. We forget about God’s goodness and provision. We forget that He is bigger then our problems. We forget that He never changes. He’s the same God of the blessings of the past and will be the same God with the blessings in the future as well. He won’t change that.

New Life

I think everyone has had times where they wish they could change their life and be someone else. Change the things that we don't like about ourselves, situations in our lives, difficult people around us. We see people who's lives seem to look so much better. We wish and fantasies about our different lives. There are chat rooms, websites and technology that helps us pretend to be someone else for a time being. But what if we stopped pretending and actually work towards being ourselves only better?

I've been thinking of the new life that God has for us. How he has the promise land all set up for us to walk into yet most of us are like the majority of the Israelites. We look and see the giants in the land so we freak out and say no way are we going to be able to go in and claim that land. It looks to hard. So we end up wandering in the desert and never see the promise land. Or are we a Caleb and Joshua? Who looked at the Promise Land and said " Yes we so can go in and claim it as our land... look who our GOD is! " They are the only two guys who got to go into the promise land. They got to experience their new life! They got to walk around and be apart of the new life God had for them. They got to walk in it..... To me that sounds like the most exciting thing to know the promise that God has given you and to be able to walk in it. I've experienced it myself. I know the joy and excitement when it comes to walking in the promises of God. Why don't you walk in those promises everyday? Why shouldn't you walk in them?

What is holding you back?

There is new life in the Promises of God. Your choose is....?

Clinging to my Foundation

We just had something come to light with our family that has shaken us. It does not shock me how sin effects not just one's self, But many around you. It's the same with the blessings as well. They too can effect those around you. But the sins, ohhhh, let me tell you, are not easy at all to get through. It makes me thankful for a Foundation to cling to and a Source of Strength to tap into. The hardest thing is watching events unfold and the broken hearts of those involved. Disappointment, sorrow, disbelief, uncertianty, protectiveness etc.
For me it's those feelings.... my heart and mind cry out to my Father... "Oh God, bring wisdom, bring peace, bring healing, bring forgiveness, bring repentance, bring strength, bring protection. May you be in the center of the ashes! My heart crys out to you, Lord!
I am clinging to You, I need your strength and reassurance that you will walk through this with us. I need to be reasured of the fact that I am not spirling uncontrolably by myself and that my foot is indeed still on a frim foundation.
Please.. I beg you.... Pray with me....

Learning lessons from a 4 year old

Yesterday I was called upon to watch 6 children for 6 hours. Fisher is 4 years old and he taught me something new yesterday. Did you know that when you are washing your hands, after putting the soap on your hands you can totally blow huge bubbles by making a ring out with your fingers? I KNOW!!! Why didn't I think of that! All these years I thought you had to have a stick with a ring on the end and liquid soap and water... I NEVER thought to use my fingers as the ring! I was blown away by this new discovery. I wonder if a 27 year old can do it or if you have to be 4? I think I will test it and see. It could save me hours from being bored!

Moving on to the past that is the future

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop the Looney Bean. There is a sad sense within me. On Sunday my Father and two of my sibs are suppose to be arriving in Colorado to help me move. I am moving back in with the family in Michigan. I know that this is right and I am suppose to walking in this direction. Yet it's an overwhelming sense to me that this is going to be the last time here. I don't know if I will ever find another place that is soooo great like the Looney Bean. I am sitting in the corner, by myself. It feels wrong. Like there should be someone with me right now. There have been so many people in my life at different times. People coming in and out. People who love and care for me. And most of the time I would enjoy this time of being by myself. But right now I just wish I had someone sitting in the chair across from me.

Someone to distract me from the emotions at hand. I have been pretty shut off from any emotions so far. It just hit me and has about knocked me out.

It might have to do with the fact that this is my last chance to be at the middle school youth group @ the Grove. I have been apart of this group for years now. I have been there when the 6th graders came in and have been there when the 8th graders moved on. I have passed out numerous hugs, cried on, been the "mean one" and told them to knock it off, listened to stories, laughed at their antics. It's been so much fun. It's also been challenging. Well worth it for sure!

This has been a huge part of my life. And tonight... It's over.

So I sit here by myself... Waiting on the Lord... asking him for his reassurance. Because right now I just want to curl up and not move. However I think if I did that in the Looney Bean they might have to call to have me removed and I don't think that would be a wise idea. So I move forward. One step at a time!

3:30 AM

Isn't funny how when you are allowed to sleep you can't and when you aren't allowed you really want to? That's how it is for me this morning. It's even a Saturday! Shesh I can't win.

I recently got back from a trip to India. Having had jet lag all last week and being sick, I don't know why I am not sleeping. But hey, since I am not sleeping I figured my blog could use a update.

I have a lot of big changes happening in my life here in about a weeks time. I'm moving back to Michigan for 6 months. I haven't lived in Michigan in 9 years. Not only am I moving back but I am moving back in with the parents. I think that weirds me out more then anything. I look forward to it too, don't get me wrong. The main goal is to spend time with the family and friends before I head to Thailand for a year. It's something that God put in my heart and I know that this is the right steps for me. But I can't deny that I am nervous. It's a major change in my life. I have become very use to and comfortable with the community lifestyle that I lived the last 9 years. So my goal going home. Is to serve wherever I can. I have a few trips I want to take as well to connect with people. To prepare for Thailand. To support raise. Most importantly to learn how to depend on God in a whole new light!

Planning

I have to say that I am not a big fan of planning detailed stuff. I can do it and have been doing, but it really is not my thing. It's really stretching really. I have been trying to plan outreach. For 8 people including myself. Planning outreach can be fun if you know what your doing. It's difficult trying to plan something where you have never been and think of questions to ask the people you are in communication with. It's easy to plan for something where my own language is spoken. But what about the places that english isn't widely known?

Anyways, all that to say that planning outreach is getting to me and I am about to pull my hair out and be bald. So just beware if you see me with no hair!

Trying to Make Decisions.

I feel like the last few months has been God putting the obvious into my lap. Telling me "Ok... Let's do this"

I have struggled with stepping out into the unknown and taking a risk. Stepping into something that is out of my comfort zone. Stepping into something that has been on my heart and really just diving in. But it has been a process to get me to where I am. I am in the process of walking in that decisions. I don't have all the details figured out and I don't know what it's going to totally look like. But I know that I am walking true and right. I am excited. I am scared. I am sad. But I know that I have caught the heart of the Father. I am running with it. That makes me happy.

All In A Days Work

Labor Day turned out to be just that! We started work at 7am. The truck bed full of corn ears pulled up to the start of our assembly line.

You have the huskers, someone blanching, the people cutting the corn off the cob and the person scooping it into gallon Ziplock bags. Ear after Ear... I begin to see visions of more and more corn. I think it will be apart of my dreams.

There is something very satisfying about working so hard and seeing the profit from that hard day of work.

My arms are sore from cutting corn for 7 hours and I am almost about to fall asleep as I type this... But it was a fun day. Working with friends, and getting a project done.

Ahhhhhhh! That is a nice feeling!

When I Should Be Sleeping

Since I can't sleep and I have so many thoughts running through my head (Hence the lack of sleep) I have been contemplating my life. The past, present and future.

I am what a lot of people would call a goodie goodie. In my many years in life I have found that there are not many of us around. Many look down on us. Many don't think we understand life because we haven't "lived" it. I look at it as a blessing. Not to be one who has had to deal with the pain and suffering of sin. It is not a "better then you" mentality but a gratefulness. I am not perfect and have struggled. Mine have just looked different.

I have been contemplating the two choices. The choice to follow God and the choice not to. I have heard people say that it is to difficult to follow God... so they don't even try. I have heard people make the conscious choice to go against God. Some don't even have a clue or understand any different. I have also seen those who have been faithful to walk upright and true. To walk in the true heritage of God. The one road may seem to be easy and carefree but it only leads to death. The second seems rough and hard but it is the true path to life. At a young age I have chosen the path of life.

I can not give you an exact date that I "accepted Jesus" I don't think I ever did. I saw truth at a young age and make the choice every day to accept it. Somedays are easier then others. But I still choose to accept.

There is a simplicity in the complication and hugeness of God.

I look at life and I look at who I know God to be, who He says He is: I AM.

His presence holds us together. Without him we wouldn't even be to make the choice, yet he allows us to do so.

It is just logic to me.

I don't need answers to all the unfathomable questions. Yes I have questions. Those questions and their answers fit inside an awesome God.

I have struggled in my self discovery. Who am I? What am I to be? These last years has been discovering that. I can tell you that I am more confident in who I am now then I use to be in the past.

I have discovered a love for people, especially youth!

I have discovered a confidence that I didn't have before.

So I continue on this journey called life. It is going to look extremely different from yours. But yet they can be very similar .

I still struggle. I still question. I still have doubts. I still dream. I still live each moment as it comes. But under it all. It's my foundation that counts and I really want to acknowledge my foundation for who He is.

I don't know what my future is going to look like. I wonder when God is going to bring that husband around. I wonder where God's going to take me and have me do. And even though I have conversations about these things with God often. I am confident in Him, though my confidence level goes up and down.

So I guess what I saying is I choose to take the "hard road" that in reality is the "easy road" and not try the "easy road" which in the long run is the "hard road".

It's a journey! Really it's an adventure!

Through The Green Glass Door

I am going through the Green Glass Door and I am taking a tree but leaving the bark.

Taking a pool but leaving the water

Taking some bubbles but leaving the gum

Taking pizza but leaving the plates

Taking my books but leaving my movies

Taking green but leaving blue

Taking Macbook but leaving the computer

Taking pills but leaving chocolate

Taking puppies but leaving dogs

Taking loopy but leaving Sanity.

Do you know this Game? It reminds me of my SST kiddos 2008...We would play this. Can you figure it out if not?

Applying life to God

I have sat in many of church services that give you the 5 steps to apply God into your life. I sit there thinking, "Something is so wrong here" First off, I HATE steps! 

The seven steps to happiness, or the 5 steps to knowing who God is. Seriously steps are the stupidest things ever! As if I could know God in 5 steps! 

It also bothers me that I am being told to apply God to life. It's backwards. We really need to apply life to God.  Our lives should be lived not because we have God compartmentalized into our life. But we are compartmentalized our lives into HIS life. 

It makes sense that the smaller thing fits into the bigger thing. Duh! So why do we try to do the opposite when it comes to God? Why do we try to fit him into our lives? 

IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK PEOPLE!!!!! It's not about us! Whoa, there's a shocker!

So I have a challenge for the Bride of Christ.

Let us flip it around and put ourselves in God's life instead of trying to fit him into ours. It makes sense. He is oh so much more bigger then we are. He is better in every way. 

Really it JUST MAKES SENSE!